


Against My Ruins

by lorenzobane



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Humor sometimes, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Magnus's past, Past Abuse, So... everything that comes with that, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-10
Updated: 2016-09-10
Packaged: 2018-08-14 04:54:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7999327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lorenzobane/pseuds/lorenzobane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“That is a great question. If I knew the answer…” Magnus went to finish his sentence but instead he staggered forward towards the couch. </p>
<p>“Magnus!” Clary yelled running towards him. </p>
<p>“Well,” Magnus slurred, “this isn’t good.” Then he closed his eyes and passed out. </p>
<p>AKA: A mission goes awry and the gang ends up trapped in Magnus's mind, trying frantically to get out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Against My Ruins

**Author's Note:**

> The title comes from T.S. Elliot's "The Wasteland"- I highly recommend it if you haven't already read it. 
> 
> Also, I finally realized why I write everything from Alec's perspective... Its because I want to be able to describe Magnus as gratuitously as possible.
> 
> FINALLY- WARNING: Magnus makes a kinda tasteless joke at some point, and he only makes it because I *firmly* believe he is the type of person to make jokes about his sadness.

_Now I am quietly waiting for_

_the catastrophe of my personality_

_to seem beautiful again,_

_and interesting, and modern._

 

_The country is grey and_

_brown and white in trees,_

_snows and skies of laughter_

_always diminishing, less funny_

_not just darker, not just grey._

 

_It may be the coldest day of_

_the year, what does he think of_

_that? I mean, what do I? And if I do,_

_perhaps I am myself again._

 

_\- Mayakovsky, Frank O'Hare_

 

 

“Run!” Magnus yelled opening the portal. 

Alec was shooting arrows in front of his family’s retreating backs while walking backwards towards the portal. Apparently he was going too slow though because Magnus grabbed the back of his shirt and pushed him in, following him shortly after. 

“What the fuck was that?” Jace said, rubbing his arm from where Magnus had pulled him through too. 

“The Warlock there cast a spell before I realized what was happening,” Magnus began, “I didn’t want us there when the effects take hold.” 

“What effects?” Clary asked. 

“That is a great question. If I knew the answer…” Magnus went to finish his sentence but instead he staggered forward towards the couch. 

“Magnus!” Clary yelled running towards him. 

“Well,” Magnus slurred, “this isn’t good.” Then he closed his eyes and passed out. 

“What happened to him?” Clary demanded, looking around. 

Alec stared at Magnus in shock, just as he was going to say something Jace staggered forward too. 

“Fuck,” Jace said before falling down on Magnus’s plush carpet. 

Clary and Alec shared an alarmed look when Clary keeled over too. Thankfully managing to slow her decent as to not hurt her face. 

Alec took a deep breath and walked over to Magnus’s work table where he kept his fire message materials. He had just begun writing when all of a sudden he felt himself being pulled under. 

“Oh no,” Alec murmured under his breath writing more frantically. He needed to get this note to Isabelle. She was working in the labs at the institute and wasn’t able to join them on the mission, but she was one of the only people who could come and go from Magnus’s absurdly well protected apartment. 

He just barely managed to send the letter before passing out on the desk as well. 

 

 

“Ow,” Alec said as he woke up. 

Or so he thought. He was sitting on a sandy beach surrounded by the passed out figures of Magnus, Jace and Clary. 

He turned over to Jace and shook him roughly, waking the blond man. He did the same to Clary and Magnus.

“Where are we?” Alec asked looking up and down the empty coast line. 

“This place looks familiar,” Magnus said contemplatively. 

“Maybe we got teleported?” Jace suggested. 

“Then why are our bodies still passed out in Magnus’s living room?” Alec asked ironically.

“Luckily Izzy wasn’t with us,” Clary said, “she’ll come looking soon.”

“I was able to send her a fire message before I passed out. Hopefully she’s already working on a way to wake us up.” 

“That brings us back to our earlier question,” Magnus said standing elegantly, “where are we? Mental limbo?” 

A voice from behind them chuckled softly and they all turned around sharply, battle ready. 

It was Magnus, or at least something that looked like Magnus. He was wearing a white linen shirt and soft looking pants. His hair was long and tied loosely behind his head, unlike Magnus’s current cropped look. 

“Who are you?” Jace said standing protectively in front of all of them. 

The Fake Magnus smiled calmly at them before shifting his gaze to Alec’s boyfriend. 

“I think you know where we are,” the other Magnus said with a hint of a smile playing on his lips. 

“You have got to be kidding me,” Magnus said with an irritated groan. 

“Alas, I am not.” 

“Wait, you know where we are?” Alec asked. 

“We are in my subconscious mind,” Magnus said rubbing his temples in irritation, “I seriously _need_ to stop getting trapped in my own mind.” 

“This has happened to you before?” Alec said.

“Once, nearly forty years ago. At least that time it was sort of on purpose.” 

“How did this happen?” Clary demanded, her fiery red hair seemed to blow around her as her voice picked up an irritated quality.

“The spell the Warlock cast isn’t a benign one,” subconscious Magnus said now standing next to the real Magnus. “Its designed to take control of another Warlock’s magic.”

The two Magnus’ shared a significant look.

“Okay, we need to stop him then,” Jace said like it was obvious.

“Oh do we?” Magnus said with a smirk, “how exactly do you propose navigating my subconscious mind?” 

“Well we’ll have you with us. How hard could it be?” 

“Extremely hard,” Magnus said sharply. 

“You could always just let him do it,” subconscious Magnus said, “your body won’t decay. Live eternity in the peace and solitude of your own mind. No demands…” 

“My body may not waste away,” Magnus pointed out wryly, “but theirs will.” 

“A head filled with ghosts,” the subconscious said smiling sadly, “I’m sure you can’t imagine what that is like.” 

Magnus rolled his eyes at himself and began walking away from the beach. 

“We’re going to need to start moving if we’re ever going to reach my core before the other Warlock does.” 

“You don’t _need_ to fight every battle, Magnus,” the figure called from the beach. 

“Shut the fuck up,” Magnus said, flipping the bird to the version of himself standing on the wake. 

They walked in silence for a few minutes while the sand beneath their feet slowly turned to a dirt road in a tropical forest. 

“What the…?” Alec started, keeping pace with Magnus in an attempt to offer silent solidarity. 

“This is the road that leads to my home town,” Magnus said observing his surroundings. “Be careful. Do your best to stay focused and keep walking forward. The things here will attempt to drag you back.” 

They kept walking through a village with small homes, and a tiny little boy ran towards them.

“Help me,” he said with tears in his big cat eyes. 

Alec took a sharp breath, this was Magnus as a child. Chubby cheeks and a skinny body, yet those eyes were unmistakable. His arms and face were bruised, as if someone had been hitting him. Alec felt a surge of anger course through him at the skinny, beaten body of the young boy. The child who would grow into the man Alec cared deeply for. 

Alec felt a hand on his arm, pulling him forward.

“Keep walking,” Magnus said staring straight ahead and pulling at Alec. 

“Help me! Please, please help me!” the little boy pleaded. His voice hysterical and his eyes full of unshed tears. 

“Magnus…” Clary said.

“Keep walking, Biscuit.” 

The young boy followed them, pleading desperately for help. Magnus remained stonily fixed on the path ahead of them but Alec was wavering. Next to him he could feel Clary continuously looking over her shoulder at the sobbing child begging for help. Alec opened his mouth to say something when Magnus snapped and turned suddenly. 

He grabbed the small boys arm and pulled him closer to his larger frame before slapping the small boy soundly across the face. 

“Magnus!” Alec yelled, scandalized and vaguely ill at the look of pure hatred on his lovers face. 

The little boy stopped crying and looked up at Magnus with curiosity. 

“Nobody cares about your problems, everyone has more than enough of their own. Learn to pick yourself up, learn to heal your own wounds and for gods sake,” Magnus said in a forced calm whisper, “stop crying. It’ll be a cold day in hell when someone actually cares about your sniveling. Go back home.” 

Magnus pointed backwards towards the path back to the village. 

“He’ll kill me,” the child said calmly. 

“He’ll try,” Magnus answered, equally calm. 

“He hates me.” 

“Yes.” 

“Why should I go back?” 

“Where else can you go?” Magnus asked dropping his arm from the child’s shoulder. 

The child nodded solemnly, squared his skinny, small shoulders and walked backwards on the path. He turned around once, before disappearing from view, to wave good bye. 

Jace was unnaturally quiet, and shaking silently as if he was being pulled back into his own dark memories. Alec remained frozen for a moment before turning to Magnus. 

“Are you…?” He was going to say ‘okay’, but one look at Magnus’ face told him that he wasn’t. His eyes were closed off and hard, and his face was frozen in an icy mask. 

“I’m fine, darling,” Magnus said. Alec wanted to offer him comfort but had no idea what to say. Magnus didn’t give him a chance to figure it out, “we need to keep moving.” 

Clary was behind them, placing a comforting hand on Jace’s shoulder. His multicolored eyes seemed a bit hazy and Magnus softened at the sight of him. 

“My mind isn’t a cheerful place,” Magnus said softly and with understanding, “its full of death, and torture and worse… If you don’t want to see that, we can find a relatively happy spot to leave you in. You’ll escape when we manage to wake me up, even if you’re not with us.” 

Jace shook his head, “No. I’m fine.” 

“You don’t need to be a hero,” Magnus replied. 

“Neither do you,” Jace shot back, “I’m coming with you guys.” 

Magnus looked taken aback but left it alone. They continued walking down the dirt path. This time the path cut directly through a small, thatch roofed home as if the home was a part of the path. 

Alec walked wearily towards it, uncertain as to what he would find. Sure enough, hanging from the rafters was a woman’s body. She was cold, and dead. Her body bloated and eyes bulging. 

Magnus stops for a moment, silent. Alec notices that his hands are shaking, but the rest of him looks almost bored. Like he’s seen the image a thousand times in his own mind and is used to the horror. As if he almost expected it to be worse. 

“We need to keep walking,” Magnus said, though he wasn’t moving. 

Alec grabbed his hand. He isn’t usually physically affectionate around his friends or family, but here- surrounded by Magnus’s pain, he accepts that his comfort comes second. 

Magnus grips back, and shoots him a small, pained smile. 

“Who…” Clary, of course, breaks the silence, “Who was that woman?” 

She asks it quietly, as if that will make the question less invasive. Alec is about to shut her down, because honestly Magnus has no obligation to tell them anything. Especially not when they are relying on him to keep his cool and guide them out. 

“My mother,” Magnus responds before Alec can. Alec doesn’t know what to say now, because this is worse than he could ever imagine. He thought about the jokes Magnus always tells and the smiles that grace his lips. Alec wishes he could shield Magnus from having to relive these painful moments but knows there is nothing he can do but ball his fist up in frustration and be there for his partner. 

“I guess you can say,” Magnus said with a sly grin on his face, “that she kind of left me hanging.” 

He snickered softly to himself while the rest stared at him in horror. Magnus rolled his eyes at them as if they were being supremely sensitive. 

“Don’t worry, Shadowhunters, I have happy memories too. They just happen when I’m a bit older.”

Alec is relieved. He knows its selfish but he isn’t sure how much more of this he can take watching. 

They are just about to keep walking when all of a sudden dark figures start to appear around them. 

“This must be as a result of the spell!” Magnus yells. 

“Can we fight them?” Alec says back. 

Magnus shrugs and Alec rolls his eyes at how not helpful that was. The figures are approaching them quickly now and they need to come up with a solution and fast. Magnus raises his hand suddenly but nothing happens. 

“What was that supposed to do?” 

“Well this is my mind! I thought maybe I could control it but I should have known better. This is my subconscious. I don’t have any active control here.” 

“God damn it,” Jace says, “lets just run, then.” 

They start sprinting, and Alec barely notices that the ground under his feet is starting to change. They run for what feels like an hour before they stop, panting, in a church. 

“Wow, Alexander,” Magnus said panting, “you must be tired… From running through my head all day.” 

Alec rolls his eyes and laughs softly, placing a delicate kiss on Magnus’s forehead.

“Now where are we?” Jace said with a whining note in his voice. 

“Oh, this is where I learned to control my powers. The Silent Brothers taught me. Let me just say I was… An obstinate student.” 

“Shocking,” Jace says. 

Magnus chuckled, “I’m sure you can understand a certain… dislike for authority figures.”

Jace nods with a smirk. 

They walk through the church and through what could only be Magnus’s bed room. This time the image of the younger Magnus didn’t even seem to notice them. Then again, he was preoccupied. 

Magnus looked young this time, an adult but young. Maybe Alec’s age, or a bit older. Though he was certainly getting more experience than Alec was when he was that age based on the way the man in the memory was wrapped around him. 

“We’re in a church,” the man panted. 

“What is it, darling? Scared of the devil?” the younger Magnus replied, letting his glamour drop in front of the man revealing his golden, green cat eyes.

He giggled and moved in to kiss Magnus again while he grabbed the other man’s hips. 

“We should get out of here,” Clary said. 

Magnus nodded in agreement, watching his younger self make out with the young man for a few more minutes before moving. 

“I can’t believe I forgot about him,” Magnus said after they left with a soft shake of his head. 

“Who was he?”

“Oh just some boy, I never loved him and we were only together for a few nights… But still, he was a firecracker.” 

Alec didn’t think of himself as the jealous type, but he also doesn’t think it is that far to not want to have to watch his current boyfriend hook up with other people in front of him. Even if those people are long dead. 

“Lets keep moving.” 

Jace smirked at him as if he could read his thoughts and Alec ignored him.

“Are you sure we’re heading in the right direction?” Clary asked.

“Nope,” Magnus replied cheerfully. 

“What?” Clary responded sharply.

“How am I supposed to know where my magical core is. I’m just following the path and hoping for the best.”

“Are you kidding me right now?”

“Well, what else am I supposed to do? It isn’t as if my magical core actually exists in the way that you’re thinking about it. It is literally built into every fiber of my DNA, there is no _core._ Whatever we’re going towards is the mental approximation I have created in order to better understand myself and my magic. Its an illusion.” 

“Then how can this Warlock control your magic?” Alec asked more calmly. He could see Clary gearing up to say something angry with her quick temper. The last thing he needed was Magnus losing his patience. 

“Its like… If he can control the way I view my magic he can control the way I use it. Magic is bred into me, right? Its like asking how to control someone else’s limb. But if he is able to control the part of my brain that controls my magic, then he could “move my hand for me” so to speak.” 

“So your core is…?”

“Less of a core and more like… I don’t know, maybe the amygdala? Frontal cortex?”

Alec sighed deeply and leaned his head down on Magnus’s shoulder. 

“So how do we stop him?”

“Well chances are he hasn’t realized that magic is fundamental to my being, like a heart beat or my nervous system. That means he’s just roaming around my memories in an attempt to find what he thinks a magical core is. Trust me, he can still do plenty of damage even if he can’t directly control my magic.” 

“Like…?” Jace said sarcastically. 

“Well, for one, he could _alter_ memories. I’m not sure if he’s figured out how, but if he does then he will fundamentally change my personality. Not something you want to have happen.” 

“I think there are a few aspects of your personality I could live without,” Jace shot back.

Alec raised his hands to silence both of them. 

“Okay, fine. Then that doesn’t change anything. We still need to find this guy before he can do too much damage to your brain.” 

“Exactly,” Magnus said looking smugly at Jace. Jace pouted, wanting Alec on his side but Alec ignored the interaction entirely. 

“So where would he go?” 

Magnus shrugged, “I’ve been alive for six hundred years. Its a little tough to determine. Besides, like I said, he probably hasn’t realized that a “core” doesn’t exist.” 

“Why do you think that?”

“His spell work is sloppy, it makes me think he’s never been to the Spiral Labyrinth. Which either means he’s a very young Warlock trying out his powers for the first time, or he’s a very old Warlock who has no interest in refining his craft. Either way, a more educated Warlock would have cast a cleaner spell. And a more well educated Warlock would also know that magic isn’t a separate entity in our bodies. It runs through every cell and every vein.”

Alec suddenly has a very scary thought that has his blood running cold, “Magnus…. he couldn’t go through your memories for classified information, could he?”

Magnus freezes next to him, “he could. I mean he might not know how, I have my memories “password protected” but if he can figure out a way around that….”

“He’ll figure out how to control your magic,” Alec said finishing the thought for him. 

“He’ll figure out more than that,” Magnus said looking truly alarmed for the first time since they’ve been trapped, “he could learn where the Spiral Labyrinth is. He could learn secrets that have been protected for centuries and he could give those secrets to Valentine.”

“Where is he? Is there a way to track him from within your mind?” Clary jumped in. 

Magnus looked thoughtful and closed his eyes with intense focus. He was silent for a full minute before suddenly opening his eyes. 

“I think I have an idea,” Magnus said. 

“Which is?” 

“He’s somewhere in a memory, and I think I can locate him. Also, theoretically, I might be able to imagine us all there.” 

“How?” Clary asked.

“I don’t know, not sure it’ll work to be honest with you.” 

“Comforting,” Jace said dryly. 

“Hold on to me,” Magnus said holding out his hands, “and lets try.” 

“I hate literally everything about you,” Jace said with irritation while grabbing Magnus’s hand. 

Magnus rolled his eyes and pursed his lips in concentration. Alec liked watching him work because he always looked so handsome when he was thinking hard. 

Alec closed his eyes too and when he opened them next he was standing in a ballroom packed with people. 

“How are we supposed to know which one he is?” 

Magnus scanned the room, the people in the memory had a soft edge to them. Their features were hazy at best, mostly just blurs of dancing color. 

“Look for someone with sharp features. I’ve forgotten almost all of these people, except for the young woman I’m dancing with.” 

Magnus jerked his thumb towards the center of the dance floor where he, and a beautiful Black woman were dancing. Magnus was looking at her like she was the center of his world, and she was laughing delightedly, full of life and vivacity. 

Alec ignored the look of sadness and nostalgia in Magnus’s eyes as he watched the dancers. The band was playing loud music and the two of them were in the center of the room dazzling the crowd. 

“Over there!” Clary yelled as she began running towards a man standing in the corner. He stood out with his sloppy grey shirt and pure white skin. His pure black eyes with vertical slits like goats didn’t help the matter. 

Jace ran towards him, his impressive speed and strength giving him an edge over Alec and Clary. He leapt over some featureless party guests and pulled the Warlock into a headlock. Jace also managed to incapacitate the Warlock’s hands, removing his ability to use magic. 

“No!” The Warlock yelled, “No! You have gotten everything you have ever wanted for centuries, Magnus Bane. You don’t get this too.” 

“What the hell are you talking about? Who even are you?” Magnus asked. 

Alec couldn’t help but snicker at the tone Magnus had adopted. It was the tone he used when he thought someone was unimportant and he wanted them to know it too. A mixture of cocky and apathetic that Alec found devastatingly sexy. 

“Me… I’m, I’m… You don’t know me?” The warlock said sounding wounded. 

“Should I?” 

“I… I’m your arch nemesis?” The Warlock said less certainly now. 

Magnus just raised an eyebrow. 

“I’m The Magnificent Marvin Murmur!” Marvin said attempting to wiggle his fingers out of Jace’s death hold. 

“How did we meet?”

“How dare you!” Marvin said practically foaming at the mouth, “You stole Etta from me.” 

“I did not,” Magnus said, affronted, “am I the type of man to flirt with another man’s girlfriend? Yes. But am I the type of man who will steal another man’s girlfriend?” Magnus paused for a second before smirking and saying, “also, yes.” 

Clary rolled her eyes at Magnus. 

“Still,” Magnus continued, “Etta specifically said she was single on the first night we met. I can’t have “stolen” her. Aside from that she is a woman with autonomy, you didn’t have any ownership over her.” 

“I was in love with her. I followed her for weeks, picked up food for her, did her laundry. I was a nice guy! I was so sweet on her, but nice guys finish last,” Marvin spat. “In walks cocky, flirty Magnus Bane, with his amazing dancing and his charm. Never mind that he’s a jerk! Never mind that he was making time with lots of other women… And men for that matter!” 

Magnus’s smile took on an icy quality. 

“First of all, she did not owe you anything for your kindness. If you are only kind to a woman because you wish to be with her, then you are a pathetic excuse of a man,” Magnus said sharply. “Second of all, I will not tolerate any insinuation that I was anything less than faithful and good to her. Or that by being with other people before her, it somehow cheapened our bond. I love Etta, I will always love her. My sexual preferences had nothing to do with the wonderful love and relationship I shared with her.” 

“Oh yeah?” Marvin said smirking, “then why did she leave you?” 

“That is enough,” Alec cut in, just as Magnus took a deep inhale to respond to the accusation. “You have broken the accords and attacked an important leader for the Downworlders.Aside from that, you have attacked the head of the New York Institute.”

“What?” Marvin said, “no I haven’t.” 

“Yes,” Alec said gesturing to himself, “you have.” 

“Now,” Jace said, “get us out of here.” 

“No,” Marvin said stubbornly, “you stole her from me. Now I’m going to steal her from you.” 

“What the hell are you talking about? She’s dead. Died twenty years ago, surrounded by grand children and children.” 

“No, I can never have her,” Marvin said rolling his eyes, “but I can take your memories of her. I can take your memories, and remove her from your mind entirely. Then, I can place those memories in my head, cut you out of them. It will be like I lived with her all those years. It will be like it was me that she loved.” 

Magnus’s eyes widened, “damn. You are crazy.” 

“Let us out!” Clary demanded, standing in front of the Warlock, “or I swear I will kill you.” 

Marvin cackled, “you can’t kill me. If you kill me you’ll all be trapped in the nightmare fun house of Magnus Bane’s mind. I did a little wandering around, no wonder you’re so fucked up.”

Alec could have resisted the temptation to punch the Warlock in the face, but that brief flash of vulnerability on Magnus’s face was enough to remove the desire to resist. So he decked him. 

“Alec!” Magnus said, surprised once Alec lowered his swinging fist. 

“You said we need you alive. You never said in one piece, asshole,” Alec said flexing his hand. 

“If this situation wasn’t so dire, I swear I would already be on my knees,” Magnus said with a teasing glint in his eyes. 

“You are so gross,” Jace said groaning, “that is my brother!” 

But the effect was mostly ruined by Jace turning around immediately to face Alec and wink at him and nod suggestively. 

“So how do we get out of here?” 

“Well I’m sure Izzy is working on something,” Alec said. 

“Maybe she’ll ask Cat for help?” Magnus added. 

“Is there any way for you to figure out the spell he cast and undo it?” Clary jumped in. 

Magnus closed his eyes and a glow of blue fell between his hands, “the problem with the spell is that it was done very poorly. I could easily undo it, but he tied his life force to it- like an idiot. If I undo the spell, this moron will die.” 

“So?” Jace asked, still holding the Warlock down. 

“We can’t kill him, Jace. We don’t have a license to kill,” Alec rolled his eyes. 

“This is why you’re my favorite,” Magnus said with a smile and Alec pressed a chaste kiss to it. 

“Can you… Untie it?” Clary said. 

Magnus looked closely at the spell work, mumbling something in a language that Alec couldn’t understand. 

“Its funny,” Magnus said with a quirked lip, “I have more magic in my pinky finger than this fucker does in his entire body. But untrained magic is unpredictable, maybe if we tried a different area of the brain?” 

“How would that help?” 

“Oh I don’t know, but the loud music from this memory isn’t helping me concentrate,” Magnus snapped. He closed his eyes and this time the entire group was back by the waters edge of a sandy, warm beach. 

“Wait…” Magnus said looking up at the sky and spreading his magic between his two hands again.

“What?” 

“I think… I think I see Isabelle and Caterina. They’re very close to breaking us out, I just need to do a little work from this side.” 

“Do you need any help?” Alec said offering his right hand to Magnus to take strength. 

“I’m not sure that will work in here, darling. But thank you,” Magnus said taking Alec’s hand and kissing the back. 

Alec blushed and Jace made sarcastic kissing noises behind them only to be sharply elbowed by Clary. Magnus wasn’t listening though, instead choosing to focus his attention on the magic in front of him. 

It was amazing to watch Magnus work. His eyes narrow in concentration, his incredibly muscular arms weave intricate patterns. His beautiful hands, and shocking delicate wrists both dance inside the blue lights. Alec could probably watch him do this for years, preferably shirtless. 

Yes, Alec loved Magnus for his personality, and his mind but… God damn, he would be a fool to not also love that body. 

“I’m close,” Magnus said, his voice straining. 

“How close?” Jace said moving to stand uncomfortably close to Magnus’s back. 

“Move right now, Trace. It should only be a minute or two more,” Magnus said sparing a moment to glare at Jace. 

All of a sudden it was as if the sky was splitting open, the ground began shaking beneath their feet and Marvin was shrieking in pain. For a second Alec was worried that they were going to kill the other Warlock anyway, but he barely had a moment to register the thought.

What felt like seconds later Alec opened his eyes and felt like someone had hit him over the head with a hammer. 

In the living room he heard Magnus make a loud, irritated groaning sound. Alec lifted his head from Magnus’s work desk where he had passed out and looked around. Isabelle and Caterina were hovering nervously.

“Alec!” Isabelle said, sounding relieved, “thank god. Your fire message worried me.” 

“How long have we been out?” 

“As far as I can tell, ten minutes maybe?” 

“Ten minutes?” Clary repeated, “How is that possible. It felt like we spent hours in there.” 

“Dream time. A few minutes out here is like an hour while you’re dreaming,” Caterina said before turning to Magnus. “I’m glad you’re okay, old friend. Make sure you pay my bill. Also your other Warlock friend has already been sent to the Institute for questioning.” 

“Thank you, and just forward the invoice,” Magnus said, his head still buried under pillows. “Make sure you send half of it to the institute. I’m not paying your, frankly, exorbitant fees because one of their missions went awry.” 

“I’ll give you my address,” Alec said before dropping his head on the table again for some relief. 

“There is a headache potion in the kitchen,” Caterina said. 

Magnus waved his hand and a potion instantly appeared in front of Alec, Jace and Clary. Alec drank from it gratefully and immediately felt his headache get less severe. 

“I’m heading back to the institute,” Jace said, “and then I’m going to sleep for about fifty years. We’ll finish interrogating Marvin later.” 

“I’m coming with,” Clary said, leaning her weight on Jace.

“I’ll make sure these two jokers get home,” Izzy said, “what about you Alec.” 

“I’m staying here.”

“Figured as much,” she said with a fond smile and a kiss on the forehead, “don’t scare me like that again.” 

“I’ll try. Thanks, though Izzy. You really came through for us.” 

“When don’t I?”

Alec chuckled and nodded, “fair point.” 

“See ya later, man,” Jace said pulling Clary out and following Isabelle and Caterina. 

“See you,” Alec replied. He sighed with relief when he heard Magnus’s front door close. 

“Come here,” Magnus said calling him over to the couch, “cuddle me.” 

“Why don’t we cuddle on the bed?”

“Involves moving.”

Alec rolled his eyes and pulled his reluctant body up and headed to the bedroom. Magnus would follow, he didn’t doubt that. As he slipped off his jeans and shirt he wondered if they should talk about what happened. He wondered if Magnus would want to process his emotions after reliving a few of his painful memories. 

Magnus did follow him, stripping off his shirt and pants as he collapsed in bed next to Alec. His muscular back and bulging biceps were particularly on display. Alec didn’t think twice, he shifted so that he was horizontally across Magnus’s body. His bare chest to Magnus’s smooth back, but his head still fell on the bed itself. 

“Hey,” Alec said. 

“Hi.” 

“I’m going to take tomorrow off,” Alec said yawning. 

“Thank god, I want to stay in bed until evening.” 

Alec hummed in response and began drawing absent circles on Magnus’s neck and scalp. 

“Do you want to… talk… about what happened?” 

“Do you?” Magnus said, sounding faintly amused. Alec couldn’t blame him, his initial offer sounded like he was offering himself up for a root canal. 

“I want to be here for you,” Alec said, not answering the question but being honest. 

“Way to dance around the question, my love. Been spending time with Seelies?” 

Alec rolled his eyes but luckily Magnus couldn’t see him, “I would love to talk to you about this, if you want to talk.” 

Magnus was quiet and still at that. No quick response, which made Alec a bit worried. 

“Once upon a time,” Magnus said instead, in a seeming non sequitur, “there was a little boy who grew up in a village.” 

Alec shifted again so that he was lying on his back, and he pulled Magnus into his arms so that the Warlock could use his chest as a pillow. 

“He grew up incredibly loved to a very poor family, who owned a very infertile piece of land. Still, they were happy. Happy and very, very religious. One day, the little boy opened his eyes and they weren’t brown anymore,” Magnus stopped here for a moment and Alec rubbed his back. 

“They were yellow. Like a cat. Like a demon, or rakshasa as they were called. His mother recognized those eyes immediately, from a man who had raped her nearly ten years prior. She realized her little boy, who she loved so much, must be the child of that monster. She realized her son must be a monster.” 

“Magnus,” Alec began but Magnus hushed him. 

“I’m telling a story, darling. Anyway, she couldn’t take it. The knowledge that she had brought the devil to their land. It didn’t help that the year his eyes appeared was the worst year for their crops in over fifteen years. Faced with famine, and a devil in the family, the woman hung herself in the barren barn. The family had been forced to sell all of their livestock just to survive.” 

“The father, or as the boy would soon realize, the step- father was furious. But beyond that, he was hurt, and scared and lonely. He began drinking, and he began fearing his son more and more. Its understandable, honestly. He was facing starvation, increasing taxes from colonial leadership and proof that a rakshasa had knocked on his door. He was terrified, and thought that maybe he could beat the devil out of the boy. Maybe if he kept hitting him, the boys eyes would go back to normal. But they didn’t.” 

“This went on for years. The man fell into increasing debt trying to make the land fertile and finally he realized he had no choice. The problem wasn’t the land, the problem wasn’t him, the problem was the boy.” 

Magnus stopped again and took a deep breath and chuckled slightly under his breath, “so he came up with a plan. He would drown the boy in the holy river near town. It would cleanse the boys soul, and even if the boy died at least his soul would be rid of the rakshasa in his body. His son, who he loved, would be able to be reincarnated in a higher caste. He tried to drown his son because he loved him,” Magnus said with tears in his eyes. 

“But, the boy was filled with demonic power that his step-father couldn’t have known. The man held the boy’s head under the water for several minutes, and slowly the boy’s body began to react, turning a bright, electric blue,” here Magnus punctuated the story by placing his palm up next to Alec’s face and creating a blue flame.

“He burnt his father to death, but unfortunately the death was slow. The man looked in horror at his son, with the yellow devil eyes, and screamed ‘you’re a monster. You’ve taken my son. You’ve taken his soul.” 

Alec didn’t know what to say, he just kept running his hands up and down his lover’s sides. 

“The boy ran away, ran into the forest and cried. He cried so hard, and felt so much, that the earth beneath his feet began to shake. He caused a deadly earthquake that killed one hundred people. It was on that day that the boy realized that he was a monster. In fact, some might even call him a little fucked up.” 

“You’re not a monster. And you’re not fucked up,” Alec said automatically. He said it because it was true, Magnus loved with his whole heart and helped when he could. He was funny, and sweet. He did a dance while he made pancakes. He was a good man. 

Magnus chuckled as if Alec had told a particularly amusing joke, “who said the story was about me?”

Alec said nothing, just leaned down and kissed Magnus softly. 

“Can I tell you a story?” Alec said.

Magnus hesitated, but nodded and curled up deeper into Alec’s chest. 

“Once upon a time there was a young Shadowhunter,” Alec began, “who always lived in the shadows. He felt like he wasn’t good enough, and his parents placed all this pressure on him to take care of the family. And yet, the Shadowhunter knew he would always have to hide something about himself. He would have to hide who he loved, because it wasn’t traditional. One day, years after the Shadowhunter had accepted that he would always have to live a lie, a beautiful, breathtaking man stumbled into his life. He walked in with flirty jokes, and soft smiles, and the Shadowhunter knew he was screwed.” 

Magnus laughed against his chest, and Alec could have sworn he felt some wet drops, but he continued. 

“But Shadowhunter society would never accept it, so he lied to himself and he hurt that man in an attempt to keep his distance. He got engaged to a great woman who he would never love and he was ready to throw his life away. Then, all of a sudden, as he is about to take the final leap into a bleak, loveless life, the beautiful man appeared in the church. He stood there, and he looked like an angel. The Shadowhunter realized that if his society couldn’t accept that man, the most pure hearted man the Shadowhunter ever met, than they didn’t know a damn thing about being angelic. They had no idea what it meant to be a good man.” 

“So,” Alec said turning Magnus’s face towards him so he could look in his cat eyes, “the Shadowhunter walked straight down the aisle and kissed him. And that is when the Shadowhunter realized he got his first taste of heaven.” 

Magnus grit his teeth, forcing his jaw to set, to hold back tears and Alec kissed his cheek softly. 

“I’m not an Angel, Alec,” Magnus said. 

Alec smirked, “who said the story was about me?” 

Magnus smiled up at him, “I’m really glad you’re here tonight. I’m always glad you’re here.” 

“There is no place I would rather be.” 

“I love you,” Magnus said before yawning. This caused a chain reaction and Alec yawned too. 

“I love you, too.” 

“Lets go to bed, my love,” Magnus said settling into Alec’s side. 

“Sweet dreams,” Alec replied. And the two of them drifted off into slumber, wrapped in each others arms. 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm kinda going through a hard time, a sort of tough break up... So perhaps some of this is a reaction to that. Anyway as a result this is... Angstier than almost anything I've written so let me know what you think! 
> 
> Please, please comment. I'm trying something a little different than I usually do and I'm a little insecure about it. 
> 
> Love you guys! If you want to talk to me on Tumblr, my thing is https://www.tumblr.com/blog/menckenschrestomethy  
> Fair warning- I don't exactly "blog" but if you send me a message I will 100% respond


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